deeply depressed

yup, i kind of feel it right now. I just dont care whoever read this coz i need to burst it. I feel so deeply depressed and dont know where to turn. Im too embarrassed to tell anyone in my family or my friends. I just dont want to burden them with my -kusut stuff- . Sometimes i think i want somebody to hear me, someone to listen to me, hear what im saying, pinjamkan bahu for me cry but its sokay, i more prefer to say it here. Only me, my feeling and all alone. For god sake, i want this pain to go away. Such deep rooted pain, resentment, hurt, confusion from many many times of being hurt by those I loved. I would not kill myself. This is for sure! Tak cuim bau syurga kn.  But I do not feel I have anything to really live for that I hope for. If I exist at all, it is because my parents, and fighting for what im doing right now, of course to complete my study and living better life. Maybe I'm just supposed to exist for the happiness of others. I am frustrated and confused. Seems like i ruined my life, is it? Im supposed to complete my RPH right now. I cant focus since i have to create permainan kecil untuk kemahiran melombol. huh? Kusut kepala nk pk. Then he calls and perang! It just nothing is pleasurable! Im sick of arguing, fighting, crying, blahblah. Sumpah malu. And seems like i have to take sleeping pills. Im sorry, i just deeply depressed. KUSUT! 

p/s: just praying i dont have to live my life pissed off and depressed.